Universities to Grant Honorary Degrees to Entire Internet

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Following a vigorous national debate on marriage equality, the history of the Confederate Flag, and on the practicality of the Affordable Care Act, President Obama stated Sunday morning, “I couldn’t be more proud of my country, and I want to thank the Internet most of all. None of this would have been possible without your incredible tenacity, the changing of your profile pictures nationwide, and the countless hours spent making original and informative memes for the masses.”

In a recent Gallup poll, a whopping 100 percent of regular internet users agreed they had done their part to reduce intolerance and ignorance among their peers. “Nobody understands the complexities of the Battle Flag like I do,” Jeremiah Sanderson, 18, commented. “All these sheeple have to do is open their eyes, read the facts, and shed the wool from their bodies. Easy as that.”

Universities all over the country have taken notice, and many are planning to recognize the internet community as official graduates by unveiling a brand new honorary title: Doctor of Internet Activism. Participating colleges will confer these honorary degrees to all who fought for–or against–social change online, as well as for those who trended hashtags such as #LoveWins, #Equality, #Endtimes, and #Apocalypse.

One recent study showed that even though no opinions had actually changed as a result of this debate, everyone who responded felt satisfied with their online efforts to educate their peers. “It felt good, you know?” internet activist Emma Wanton said. “Arguing with people I barely know online like that… Sharing articles I agreed with, disproving the ones I didn’t… It’s exhilarating. Now I know my opinions are unequivocal truths, so it’s all uphill from here. I can’t wait to check my email and get my doctorate!”

The diplomas will be submitted via email to all Facebook and Twitter accounts with legitimate contact information, so make sure to update your email address and keep a close eye on your SPAM folder.

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